<<2003-07-12 A stone>>

I am so lonely.

Even when my boyfriend gets here I know that I will still be lonely. I need a close friend. I haven't had one in so long. Someone that I feel I can turn to when things go really wrong. Someone I would call if I were crying in the middle of the night.

The last friend I had like that was my high school best friend. Too many things have changed with her. I talked to her two days ago for the first time in two years. It was awesome to talk to her but obviously things have changed. We live in separate places. She's married. And I just don't feel the same in my heart about her.

At University I was too caught up in studying, my boyfriend, and, yes, my self to make any really close friends. Sure I have good friends but none that I'd call with a terrible secret or a broken heart. None that would call me either. I am too reserved. I have closed myself off.

Recently I realized that right now I am becoming who I will be for the rest of my life. If I let myself turn into a stone now, I will be a stone.

I must call the two people I somewhat know in this city. I must become more extroverted. I need to be more open. When was it that I stopped feeling things? I am now so anxious and wound up. Little decisions, and I mean stupid things like should I put air in the tires tomorrow or today, can paralyze me. I literally get a fever and start to sweat when faced with small decisions. Sometimes it's trying to decide if I should buy things. I panic, I think people are looking at me. I wonder what so-and-so would do or think.

What happened to me? I remember when I used to do what I wanted. If I wanted to wear something I would. I didn't try to blend in continually. I tried to stand out. I am so nervous now and so shy! Someone at work commented that I am shy and I nearly cried. It's only been a couple of weeks. Why can't I grow up? Get some confidence. I will always be quiet and somewhat of an introvert but can't I be freaking normal?

In other news....

Why do all the guys at work think I'm dumb? I think it's because I am younger than they are (and look young for my age) and they don't really know what's taught in school. They don't think I know how to hook up a computer, how to make a spreadsheet, how to check data, how to do any number of laughable easy tasks that I've been doing for at least five years now. One guy asked my if I knew about "x and y", as in frigging plotting! I need them to hire someone female and young. I need some companionship here.

Repeat to self: must call people, must not be such a fucking recluse.

My life sucks. I feel abnormal.

On a completely unrelated topic, next week is the BBQ for work. While it will probably be fun everyone is bringing their wives and children (most have them). I will be alone. My SO is not here! If it rains they're putting off til August. Please God, let it rain!!!!

I am getting a bikini wax though because if it's hot, there will be swimming. No doubt, in a little lake full of kiddie pee but swimming is swimming and tanning is tanning. It's been goregeous weather but I haven't done anything about it this year. Should get some patio furniture and soak up the rays.

I would like to get a brazilian bikini wax but haven't worked up the courage. It's not the pain, it's the humiliation of being utterly exposed. How do they get everywhere? The gyno is bad enough and that's over in two minutes.

Christ, this is a long entry. Good night.